Hangin on

THE SHIT:

All the positivity in the world just couldn't swing the odds to work in our favor. Only 2 embryos out of the 10 fertilized made it to be biopsy worthy on day 5, and they let another 3 grow for an additional day to see if they'd make the cut, too. In the end, we only had 2 embryos that were biopsied. Only 2 out of the original 17 made the cut. 

We got our biopsy results this morning. Both embryos are not viable. One has a trisomy 14 (embryo wouldn't make it past gestation week 6) and the other has trisomy 13 (Turner's syndrome, if baby did make it to term he/she would have severe mental and physical conditions). My

spirit is broken. I feel as if I have been handed the shitiest hand in life. So much time, energy, money, tears, hope, faith, and strength has been placed into this journey. I can't help but ask 'why me?'  and demand to know 'what's next? What can I do different? WHY?!'. 

However, I remain grateful for technology, not having to have my body go through more unnecessary miscarriages, my husband's hardworking demeanor, and his health insurance. At this point, I'm already acknowledging that my children may never be 50% of me. No child will ever have my large nose, cavity free smile, or crazy laugh. All I ask is to carry a child, to feel what it is that so many other mothers take for granted. I am numb. So numb. 

My nurse called this afternoon saying how sorry she is, and thankful we had the PGD done. We have an appointment to meet with my doctor next week to discuss what may have happened with this cycle and what our future options are. As of right now, nothing is certain, nothing is known. 

THE FLOWERS:

My husband has been nothing but my rock during this journey. When he ran out of things to say he said this to me, "If you need to go across the street and drink a large margarita, I'll pick you up and take you home." For those of you who know me, what tequila does to me, and just how big those margaritas are, you know he's a brave, brave man!! :)

Then there's my immediate family. They are the best. The love that they have for the both of us is felt with every word, hug, text, and phone call. Even though I'm married and a hair under 33, they are still some of my best friends and biggest supporters. 

For the past couple months I've been anxiously waiting to fly home for a quick weekend trip to celebrate my best friend's baby. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during this whole process, and more concerned about me and my feelings than herself at times. She fought for that baby in her belly, and understands as well as one who cares can. Again, she has been too understanding, she has told me, ".... please dont feel u have to come to my stupid shower this weekend. You dont have to be so strong all the time! At least not for me."

I think she's right. Even I can't be strong enough for this weekend. Yes, I feel like I'm letting others down. I was really looking forward to seeing her huge belly, friends and family, but after 3 weeks of not taking proper care of myself before and after my surgery (being 2 people short at work makes you feel like a jerk if you're not pulling your weight, literally), it's time to do something good for me. Not sure what that is just yet, but I'll figure it out.